It's for your protection. Those books bite.

"Why are we going in a cage?"

- Female teeny bopper, on entering the glass-encased viewing area above the Great Reading Room at the Library of Congress

That doesn't sound sketchy at all

Man in a black fedora, sunglasses, and trenchcoat-"Well I'm sorry the family thought I was dead."

later on in the same conversation-"I'm from heaven son, I used to be Jerry Garcia."

Overheard on the Hill-Cannon Building

Do you keep your money in your shoes?

Typical jam-packed red line train this morning headed downtown from Bethesda. A group of tourists in matching shirts get on the already crowded train and begin making a stream of observations about the ride in. But this made me and the woman next to me burst into laughter:

"Wouldn't it be funny if we got off the Metro and had no shoes? Like the pickpockets were just that good!"

Go Nats (fans)!

Metro policeman on the Green Line platform last night:

“People move it on to the middle of the train. Let’s pack the car right Nats fans. You are not cherry-blossomers. You people know to do this. You live here.”

And before that as the crowd began to build on the platform:

Metro cop - “Sir, you can’t stop there. Keep moving to the other end of the platform.”
Cardinals fan - “Why do I have to move?”
Metro cop - “Because I told you to.”

Our eavesdropper notes: The Cards fan kept moving. Thus proving that even a drunk will do what he’s told if the person doing the talking has a billy club and pistol.

Hey, those hurt!

Overheard man and woman in business suits in 2000 Penn near CVS:

Woman to man: "You would get blown up for your country but you're afraid of a tetanus shot?"

That sounds about right

Overheard on the Orange Line during morning commute hours.

Woman to a group of singing middle school-aged kids she was chaperoning: "Shh. It's early and these people are going work so they're all angry."

The bathroom that goes both ways

Patient: Is that bathroom a bisexual bathroom? I saw a woman come out of it one minute and a man the next.
Nurse: Yeah, the bathroom over there is the bisexual bathroom.

(Apparently neither knows the term "unisex.")

Georgetown University Hospital, Emergency Room Waiting Area

Everytime I hear Fairfax, I think of Austria - what's your point?

on Orange train toward VA @6:30pm

conductor: "Orange line train to Vienna/Fairfax, next stop Foggy Bottom"
girl (presumably hill staffer) on train: "Every time I hear 'Vienna' I think of Italy!"
boy (presumably wants in girl's pants) on train: "Yea, me too."

It's just a matter of time before MTV goes after that demo

7 year old boy and Grandparents at Reagan

Grandmom: We're going to Texas, NOT Mexico
Kid: Same thing.

and later

Kid: Are we gonna get on the Real World?

Just remembered I also wanted to post this

This must be misheard:

One of four professional-looking men in suits walking down Nebraska Ave at midnight on a Saturday:

"Do I have the biggest asshole ever?"

Hey! I'm only doing this blog until I hit the powerball

A Defense agency headquarters, Ft. Belvoir

"The lottery is the retirement plan for those that are mentally challenged."

That's kind of like exercise

"I'm on a really great regimen now, I found some multivitamins I really love at Whole Foods"

-- One middle aged woman to another over dinner at Tara Thai

I think you mean two old men. Two old piano men.

Two 20 somethings:

Guy 1 - "Why is the Metro so crowded tonight?"
Guy 2 - "Elton John and Billy Joel are playing tonight."
Guy 1 - "Who are they?"
Guy 2 - "I don't know. Two old guys."

Magneto strikes again!

At the navy yard metro station:

Girl: Ugh, I demagnetized my card. Now I have to mail it to metro center. :looks at friend: Oorrrr, do you think I could like remagnetize it? Like, with a magnet?"

Free advertising!

Incoming Freshman Girl: "Can I say that Cosi's is the reason I can't keep kosher?"

--GW card office

Our great presidents weren't much for standing

Two high schoolers walking to the Jefferson Memorial:

Girl: "Is this the dude in the really big chair?"

Guy: "No, but I think this dude is in a chair."

A final RIP for MJ

Cute little black girl: "Mom who is this white woman that died?"

Mother looking down at cover of NY Post: "That's Michael Jackson, he's a black man."

News shop in Farragut.

Wait, Jesus was in Chinatown?

Guy at 7th and H Chinatown stoplight waiting to cross the street. Someone bumps into him. Guy exasperated:

"Jesus christ, this place is becoming Times Square!"

My friendship can be bought with cookies

Man: "Well, I guess I'm a dickhead then." He pauses for a second and then grabs a bag of cookies off the table. "But wait, dickheads don't give out cookies, so who wants a cookie?"

--West End

A girl can dream, can't she?

Overheard in front of the American History museum, emanating from a tourist family.

Mother - "Honey, I don't think those birds are gonna let you touch them."
Little Girl - "I WANNA BE SNOW WHITE!"

But not Megatron. He's dead to me.

Couple arguing:

Man: I'm very sentimental.
Woman: Yeah, but only about material things that don't exist anymore!
Man: That's not true. I'm also sentimental about people. Like, for example, Optimus Prime.

--Arlington