Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The DC metro: efficient and poke-tastic. (unlike this subject line)

Guy 1:How do I get to Vienna?
Guy 2:It's at the end of the line, so just pass out, and when the metro people start poking you with sticks, you know you're there.
-- Orange line

Plus you'd still be a virgin!

"If it wasn't for alcohol, I think we'd be home right now"
-- Drunk guy to friend on Red Line

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid...

Announcer: Helloo!!!???? Hellooo??!!! Will someone please stop the children from playing on the escalator? (no one moves to stop the children going up the down escalator)

HELLO!!! WILL SOMEONE STOP THE CHILDREN?!!!! (muffled cursing under her breath)

-- Union Station

We all need somebody to lean on

Girl to her "so-called" friends: "I mean, what exactly does she bring to our group of friends? I mean, with us, there's like this spark. And, with her, I mean, she's not really funny, she's not really nice, she's not anything. I mean, I guess, she's a good outlet when I want to talk ..."
-Mexicale Blues in Clarendon


Thursday, May 25, 2006

The return of the guy in rumpled business suit with a crown of yellow flowers.

Guy in rumpled business suit with a crown of yellow flowers yelling while giving the peace sign driving down Clarendon Blvd: GOD LOVES YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Courthouse


Survey says, XXXXXXX!!!!!

Juror's lounge at DC Superior Court during "on call" for jury duty.
A lady's voice comes over the PA system to announce: "Would any juror like to volunteer for grand jury? The duration is Monday - Friday, starting tomorrow until July 14th."
The whole room of jurors burst into laughter.

-- DC Superior Court

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

And Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday, right?

Law student waiting in line with friend at check out: "When's the 4th of July this year?"
Friend looks at her with horrified look: "You can't be serious!? You're in law school?!"
Law student: "I mean ... awwww, crap!"

Woman behind helpfully offers: "It's a Tuesday."

--Filene's Basement

Warning: Content unsuitable for equine lovers.

British guy to group of drunken Preakness assholes on the metro: Who won Preakness?
Drunk guy: Bernardini won. Barbaro got hurt. He's going to the GLUE FACTORY! He's so fast they're going to make him into quick drying glue. BARBARO'S GOING TO BE GLUE!
British guy to fellow passenger: I'm sorry I said anything.
Fellow passenger: No man, as drunk people you can't beat them, but you can certainly join them.
(as refrains of Barbaro's going to the glue factory is heard in the background)

-- Red line at Union Station

Shameless begging for content

We know you hear stupid DC people say stupid DC things. We know you mock them. Let us mock them too! Send your droppings to

Friday, May 19, 2006

We can't wait to hear how he feels about elevators and moving walkways

Tourist teenage boy: "Boy, it sure does feel weird walking up those things. It's a sensation!"

-to his other tourist teenage friends on how it feels to walk up an escalator, Foggy Bottom Metro (after the short escalator)


Thursday, May 18, 2006

le Starbucks

Girl to friend: I refuse to call it Grande or Venti. Please you are totally not French.

-- American University shuttle

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Sunday- a day of rest, or a day for bourbon?

Girl: Stephanie, guess how much Kevin paid for all of his Bourbon and waters? 16 dollars!
Kevin interrupting: Hey, that's not true, $16 only paid for the first 6.
Girl: You're ridiculous... it was Sunday.

-- Yellow line

These boots are made for shining.

Drunk girl 1: Hey, look at what that guy is wearing. Do you think he's a pimp?
Drunk girl 2: Dressed like that he could be.
Drunk girl 1: Go ask if he's a pimp.
Drunk girl 2: I can't ask if he's a pimp.
Drunk girl 1 gets up and walks over...
Drunk girl 1: Hey my name is Laura, are you a pimp?
Pimp: No, my name is (??) and I'm a professional shoe shiner. Here's my card.
Drunk girl 1: Really? I have a pair of boots that could use a good shining.

-- Orange Line

McVet, McSteamy, McDreamy- no McPresident.

Girl to friends: Who cares about immigration?!?! Greys Anatomy is on tonight! Stupid immigration.

(Crowd of Hispanic people walks by glaring at girl.)

-- 17th and I

Friday, May 12, 2006

Bush: Eavesdropping with the rest of DC.

"Media Bigwig" to underlings: "Bush is really, 'bugging' me. Get it? Get it?!"

Underlings: (forced laughter)

-- Glover Park

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I hear tattoos are just as addictive.

Girl: I couldn't procreate. Because if I procreated once, I'd have to procreate again.
--Foggy Bottom

George Michael said the same thing about Elton John

"If he's gonna make me gay, it'll be on my own terms."
--Guy to girl, Falls Church

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Trojan Woman!

Guy to girl: "Damn, you have a lot of condoms in there."
-30+ year old man, looking through a woman's purse outside of Pourhouse

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Back to life, back to reality.

Girl to Guy: Hey, thanks for being my MySpace friend.

-- Downtown

Take me home tonight.

Drunk girl to drunk guy: "Shady Grove? Wait, we’re at Farragut North, we live on the orange line! This won’t take us home. This is the red line. Damnit. How do we get to Farragut West?! Where is Farragut West?!?"
-Monday night, inside Farragut North metro stop (through the turnstiles)

Monday, May 08, 2006

Mao Tse Dong hates Jerry Garcia

"That's what Tiananmen Square was really about - killing hippies. Now I don't usually side with Communist China, but..."

Friday, May 05, 2006

So what does that make Natty Light?

College-aged guy talking about a party he was at: "Yeah, it was great. I had this Black and Tan..."
College-aged girl: "What's that?"
College-aged guy: "It's, like, this really good whisky."

-Orange line train, Farragut West

A traitor to his generation

(Middle-aged guy gets onto a train and sees a younger girl wearing a shirt that says "Huey Lewis and the News 2005 Tour")

Middle-aged guy: "Huey Lewis and the News... is that a music group?"
Girl (taking off earbuds): "What?"
Middle-aged guy: "I haven't kept up on new music for awhile... is that a band?"
Girl: "Umm... yeah?"
Middle-aged guy: "Hmm, 'the News'... is that supposed to a joke or something?"
Girl: "Umm... I don't kn... maybe? I guess?"

-- Orange line between Federal Center SW and Capital South

And I'm like Garfield - but coked out.

Guy 1: Is this a cool time to talk?
Guy 2: Yeah, I'm always cool.
Guy 1: No, you're not.
Guy 2: Sure I am. I'm so cool, I'm like the mascot for a tobacco company. I'm Joe Cool cool.
Guy 1: You mean Joe Camel? I think Joe Cool is Snoopy.
Guy 2: I'm like Snoopy - but smoking.
Guy 1: That is pretty cool.

--Foggy Bottom

What's your superpower?

Straight guy to straight guy: "I can make my dong vibrate."
-Clarendon Grill


Thursday, May 04, 2006

Violet, you're turning violet, Violet.

Same drunk guys, Part II.

Drunk guy: I love rasberries. I bought raspberries the other day and they were terrible. You gotta get the raspberries at the Watergate. They are amazing. They have the little hairs on them and everything. The raspberries at the Watergate taste like real raspberries. And the blueberries taste like blueberries
Other drunk friend: [sarcastically] What do the snozberries taste like?

-- Red line at Union Station

Reach out and touch me.

Drunk guy: I wanna call her and stick it in her butt.
Drunk friend: Through your cell phone?

Girls behind 'drunk guy' look a little weirded out, they get off at the next stop and get on a different car.
-- Red line at Union Station

No love for Waldo Geraldo Faldo.

(Group of people talking about Family Matters)
Girl: I don't like that show
(Group shifts to talk about The Cosby Show)
Girl: I don't like shows like that either.
Guy: What, shows with black people?
Girl: No, sitcoms.

-- West End

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

FOX News is the shadow government...

Guy #1 – Did you hear about Tony Snow?
Guy #2 – What about him?
Guy #1 – The White House hired him as their Speaker of the House.

--Outside White House

I'd like to see you have a little direction. I have direction! Yeah, towards the mall.

Girl: I want to go shopping.
Guy: We should go to that famous Mall everyone talks about. (as he looks at his DC map and points to the 'Mall'.)

-- Metro

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sloppy seconds work for him.

Guy: I know I just saw you make out with that guy, but I think you're really cute. Can I get your number?
Girl: Are you kidding me?

-- The Bottom Line

Well, they did have that war...

Group of high school girls talking about the history of DC:

Girl: “Who was here first, the French or the Indians?”

Monday, May 01, 2006

Ah, Sunday afternoon in Georgetown

Guy (shepherding a girl through the crowd): "Let her through! She wears Diesel!"

-Tony & Joe's


Einstein's 69th theory of relativity

Stripper: It is against the law in DC to give lap dances.
Dude: I don't get it. You can open and close your vagina in front of my face yet you can't sit on my lap.

-- Golden Palace Strip Club

I would walk 500 miles...

Crazy homeless guy screaming at seemingly random guy in suit: Hey. HEY! You want this document? (Frantically waving a piece ofpaper in the air.)
Suit: No thanks. (Walking quickly away.)
CHG: God DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. I walked 2600 miles to GIVE THIS TO YOU. I walked from California. CALIFORNIA. And now you won't take this IMPORTANT DOCUMENT. TRUST ME. YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW WHAT'S IN THIS ONE. It's IMPORTANT!
Suit: Sorry, I really don't. (Starts running.)

-- 19th and E