Friday, February 27, 2009

I prefer to leave my longjohns on the metro, thank you very much.

On a red train at Metro Center towards Glenmont:

"This is Metro Center, doors opening on your left. Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to take all personal items with you, including coats, sweaters, longjohns, gloves, mittens, scarves, earmuffs, ski masks, iPhones, BlackBerrys, cell phones, PDAs, laptops, backpacks, purses, books, magazines, newspapers, and yes, that means all paper products, with you when you exit the train.

I am a train operator, and I approve this message."

Same train, upon arriving at Glenmont:

"This train is now out of service. Y'all get off my train now."


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

All the wrestler's men?

(group watching Obama's speech post game on CNN in Ballston.)
Girl: So that guy (speaking in reference to Huey Long of all people) was like the Hulk Hogan of politics.
Guy: Kind of. Maybe. That's an interesting way to put it.
Girl: See! When you talk about shit you don't understand, people think it's fresh!

Monday, February 23, 2009

That's what she gets for trying to make them think

Preschooler girl (to teacher): How old are you?
Preschool teacher: Well in 2 weeks I will be 42, so how old does that make me now?
Preschooler boy: I know! Old?
Preschool teacher: no...
Preschooler girl: Super Old?
--Overheard at a Rockville Montessori School

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Hope you don't mind if I steal that for next time I get called up.

Overheard in line at a law firm cafeteria in the West End

Customer: I gotta figure out a way to get out of jury duty next week.

Cook: Whenever I have jury duty, I always just tell them that I have a chronic health problem.

Customer: What do you say you have?

Cook: I tell them I smoke crack!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Both will vomit on you, but one will never need therapy or a college fund

3 college age girls sitting on a bench in Dupont:

"I don't know why. I just lust after dogs, not babies!"


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Be careful - spies are trained liars

Guy #1: "You know what sucks about our jobs?"
Guy #2: "What's that?"
Guy #1: "Picking up women. It's hard to talk about what we do when we can't talk about what we do!"
Guy #2: "Yeah, I find I have to resort to other things and avoid the job question at bars."
Guy #1: "I'm relegated to saying, 'I have a job. It's recession proof. Wanna see what my bed and a Magnum condom looks like?'"
Guy #2: "Hey that's not bad..."

-Leaving a not-to-be-named intelligence agency by a not-be-named eavesdropper

Friday, February 13, 2009

Hey, she knew what she was getting in to . .

Central Michel Richard Restaurant, at the bar:

Man 1: So you boink Amanda yet?
Man 2: No dude, she was a G'dubs student, practically a kid ...
Girl Next to Men: Excuse me gentlemen but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. You know I'm a GW student . . .
Man 1: How 'bout I get you a drink, beautiful?
Man 2: You're disgusting...


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It depends, how frequently are her prayers answered?

Homeless man: Spare some change?
Tourist woman: I won't give you money, but I'll pray with you.
Homeless man: Ah shit, bitch. Do you really think your prayers will buy me a 40?

-Lafayette Park

Labels: ,

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Your birthday? More like every day. Am I right?

Overheard in the elevator at 1025 Connecticut Ave:

Woman 1: "He just ruined it - I just feel like a birthday is the only day you get to be a selfish bitch."

Woman 2: "Yeah, I'm sorry."

Friday, February 06, 2009

Not likely.

Skinny white yuppie, walking down M Street (near 23rd/24th) and on his cell phone:

"Just pretend I'm Huggy Bear..."

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Did I miss the release of Jurassic Park 4?

Middle-aged couple walking into Dupont Circle station:

"... and then the dinosaurs turned all mean and started eating all the children."

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

But do live bacteria cultures like to 'move it, move it?'

Overheard in the dairy section of the Reston Harris Teeter:

5 year old boy: Mommy, let's get this yogurt! It has Madagascar!
Mommy: No, Jonathan. We must get the yogurt with the live bacteria

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

AND his middle name is Hussein!

Location: Green line near Columbia Heights

Crazy man: You better believe that a black man just rocked your world! And his name is Barack Obama! And he stole the White House from right under your white nose!

Kid in GW shirt: Sir, I voted for Barack Obama.

Crazy man: Yeah, well, I bet you didn't know he was black!

Kid in GW shirt: I bet you didn't know he was half-white.


Monday, February 02, 2009

Apparently bus drivers are people too...

Bolt Bus driver pulling into rest stop between NYC and DC 2/1/09:

"Okay, people. You get 15 minutes. I am a divorced man. I tell you that so you know I'll leave you, too."