This could get ugly!

I was waiting on the Blue and Orange line platform. One of the subway preachers starts yelling his version of the gospel, and a girl in the distance audibly laughs.

The girl next to me, who is apparently full of Christ's love, says: "That bitch better quit laughin', shut up, and listen!"

That's right, you'd better love Jesus, bitch.

I heart DC . . . bars.

Orange line between Foggy Bottom and Rosslyn:

Fratty Guy #1: I've spent a week here, and all I can really say I've seen is the White House.
Fratty Guy #2: Good bars here.
Fratty Guy #1: Yeah, great bars in this city.

I will parallelogram your rhombus!

"Stop being so uppity about geometry!"
--Outside Foggy Bottom Metro

Were you at Cornell with Andy Bernard?

After a very loud argument between a couple and the female getting off the metro ...

Nosy Girl- "I understand where you're at. I was jobless for six months, and I went to Cornell!"
Sad Guy - "Yeah, it has been rough."
Nosy Girl - "Seriously, I mean, I went to Cornell! An Ivy League school. You know it's bad if I can't get a job right away."

--Orange Line Metro

End of the story: he was beaten to death with a prosthetic leg.

Waiting for the elevator doors to close inside Union Station metro -

Guy (as he jumps into elevator): "hurry up and close the doors before any wheelchairs come in!"

(chuckles to himself and looks around to see if anyone is in agreement - we're not.)

Door closes.

Guy again: "Whew! That was close...I mean jeez, they already get free parking."

I also have a bailout on my Christmas list

Overheard on a train in the DC Metro on Saturday Night (12/12/09):

Two guys in Santa outfits talking to each other:

"Where are we going to say we're from when the north pole melts?"
"I dunno... Queens or something"

A few minutes later:

Random bystander: "Why are you taking the subway?"
One of the Santas: "Santa didn't get any TARP money and his reindeer
were repossessed"

Don't you mean Le Rugrats en Paris?

Overheard on the Metro Red Line:

Guy 1: Oui!

Guy 2: What is that?

Guy 1: It's French.

Guy 2: Are you sure?

Guy 1: Yeah! I totally learned that shit from the Rugrats in Paris movie!

Yes and I'm on the value menu!

On the Metro Halloween night.

Girl dressed as a crayon fanning herself sees at a guy dressed as a Taco Bell Fire sauce packet and noticed that both of their costumes were made of the same material. She looks at him and asked, "excuse me, but are you hot?"

Maybe because they're made of pepperoni

Orange line, Metro Center:

Woman 1: Oh my god, I want to eat your shoes
Woman 2: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Smallest. Bay. Ever.

Mother and two children on the train as it comes out of the tunnel to cross the river into Virginia. Children are about 4 or 5:

Child: Mama! Its the ocean! I see the ocean!
Mother: No. That's not the ocean. That's the bay.

I might also add that it was clear they were not tourists.

--Yellow line

Unibrow too? Hot damn!

Overheard on the Metro:

Man on phone: Yeah, I went and saw her at work the other day. She was looking GOOOOOOD! Thin little mustache & everything!

Do you keep your money in your shoes?

Typical jam-packed red line train this morning headed downtown from Bethesda. A group of tourists in matching shirts get on the already crowded train and begin making a stream of observations about the ride in. But this made me and the woman next to me burst into laughter:

"Wouldn't it be funny if we got off the Metro and had no shoes? Like the pickpockets were just that good!"

Go Nats (fans)!

Metro policeman on the Green Line platform last night:

“People move it on to the middle of the train. Let’s pack the car right Nats fans. You are not cherry-blossomers. You people know to do this. You live here.”

And before that as the crowd began to build on the platform:

Metro cop - “Sir, you can’t stop there. Keep moving to the other end of the platform.”
Cardinals fan - “Why do I have to move?”
Metro cop - “Because I told you to.”

Our eavesdropper notes: The Cards fan kept moving. Thus proving that even a drunk will do what he’s told if the person doing the talking has a billy club and pistol.

That sounds about right

Overheard on the Orange Line during morning commute hours.

Woman to a group of singing middle school-aged kids she was chaperoning: "Shh. It's early and these people are going work so they're all angry."

I think by now you recognize this guy.

On a crowded green and yellow line train pulling up to a very full Chinatown/Gallery Place platform.

Driver, in a very reasonable tone: "alright now, you people want to get off this train onto the platform. There are a whole lot of people on the platform who want to get on this train. [perfectly timed pause] There is a conflict there. You people on the train, however, have the upper hand. Use it responsibly and have a great day"

Truth or Dare!

2 approximately 19-year old boys riding the Red line to Catholic University:

Guy #1: Yeah, a tattoo has to be tasteful.
Guy #2: I want to get a tattoo just to test my dad. Yeah, I dare you, Dad, I f***ing dare you to not pay for my college education.

My new inspiration

Overheard on red line train near NY Ave:

"Shit, man, I'm being proactive! I want both of the girls, but I gotta keep 'em apart, so I just make sure one's in Maryland and one's in Virginia all the time!"

Mmmm . . . donuts

At Metro Center, two cops with a K-9 unit are walking about. K-9 sniffs the garbage can.

Man: "Is that a bomb-sniffing dog?"
Cop: "No, it's a donut-sniffing dog. That's why we keep him around."
Man: "Oh."

I prefer to leave my longjohns on the metro, thank you very much.

On a red train at Metro Center towards Glenmont:

"This is Metro Center, doors opening on your left. Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to take all personal items with you, including coats, sweaters, longjohns, gloves, mittens, scarves, earmuffs, ski masks, iPhones, BlackBerrys, cell phones, PDAs, laptops, backpacks, purses, books, magazines, newspapers, and yes, that means all paper products, with you when you exit the train.

I am a train operator, and I approve this message."

Same train, upon arriving at Glenmont:

"This train is now out of service. Y'all get off my train now."

AND his middle name is Hussein!

Location: Green line near Columbia Heights

Crazy man: You better believe that a black man just rocked your world! And his name is Barack Obama! And he stole the White House from right under your white nose!

Kid in GW shirt: Sir, I voted for Barack Obama.

Crazy man: Yeah, well, I bet you didn't know he was black!

Kid in GW shirt: I bet you didn't know he was half-white.