Sunday, April 30, 2006

So everyone turn and stare

Guy at lunch with girl, pulls out wallet to pay bill. Girl leans forward and sees his license, shrieks:
"OH MY GOD! You're CANADIAN? Seriously?!?"

-Four Courts

This is the conversation I have when the weather gets warm, how 'bout you?

Guy 1: "The only bad thing about this weather is that I can't wear my vest anymore. And when I can't wear my vest, I can't carry my knife."
Guy 2: "Get a fishing vest."

-Bagel store in Arlington

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Spring ahead, fall behind.

Kid (No older than 7): "They should make one of these for Daylight Savings Time."

-- Sundial outside of the Smithsonian Castle, in Haupt Garden

Only If It's Not A Yellow "Century 21" Blazer

Guy #1: Seriously, if you're going to sell next year you should think about
using him as your realtor.
Guy #2: No, no, he's too cute. I can't be attracted to my realtor.
Guy #1: Well, he'll be wearing a suit. Maybe that'll take some of the edge
off his cuteness.
Guy #2: (pause) No, a suit would make him even hotter.

- Cafe Asia, Rosslyn

Friday, April 28, 2006

Ahh yes, I'm here to get money, anyone's money.

Frustrated man gives his wife's cell phone number to teller and waits at counter while she dials his wife...

Teller: Hello ma'am, I'm calling from the bank. Your husband is here to pick up your paycheck. Is that correct?
Great, thank you.
(To man)
Ok sir, I think we're all set.
Guy (angrily): How do you even know that was my wife? I could've just given you my neighbors number or something.
Teller: Yeah, you make a good point. Hold on, I'll have to go check something. (Leaves to go in the back)
Guy: I should've just kept my big mouth shut! (Storms out of the bank).

- Citibank on K and Vermont

We all need somebody to lean on...

Disheveled 20 something girl in last night's clothes with tall skinny guy who is smoking a cigarette: Can you put that in your other hand?
Guy: Why?
Girl: Because it's 8am, I'm drunk, and I need you to hold me up.
Guy: Do you even know my name?

-- NE near Union Station

Next thing you know, we'll find out shepherd's pie does not contain any shepherd.

Homeless woman goes up to a fruit and vegetable street vendor, grunts a little and then shouts: DO YOU HAVE ANY CORN DOGS?!?!
Vendor akwardly replies: Um no, I sell fruits and vegetables.
Homeless woman looks shocked: But corndogs are vegetables, CORN!!! CORN!!!!

-- 20th and M

Just call him Big Head Todd.

Crazy homeless lady sitting on sidewalk, ranting to no one:
"And then I'm going to DESTROY YOU ALL!"

[Notices passerby, says in voice of childlike wonder] "Oh my goodness, your head is sooo big!"
--Dupont Circle, heard by a passerby, whose head really isn't that big.


Thursday, April 27, 2006

I think this is the dawn of a beautiful friendship ... thanks Wonkette!

Guy in rumpled business suit with a crown of yellow flowers yelling:

"Conservative Christians have made me hate myself!"

"I will never have sex with another man!"

"I do not desire you women [dramatic pause] carnally!"

-Dupont Circle, around rush hour, a couple weeks ago.


In case you didn't read the comments on the below post, we give you another chapter in the continuing saga of our favorite DC crazy guy.

Guy in rumpled business suit with a crown of yellow flowers yelling: "I'M SORRY I'M A HOMOSEXUAL"
Homeless guy on the corner: Don't be sorry.
Guy yelling and scaring the small children around him: "HOW CAN I IF GOD HATES ME?

-- Georgetown


Does this dude have a regular route? Email us any more sightings!

Guy in rumpled business suit with a crown of yellow flowers yelling: I AM THE SON OF SATAN!!!!!!!!! (kneels in the middle of the street and throws arms in the air) I AM THE SON OF SATAN!!!!!!!!!

-- 23rd and M

Red Dragon- that's the one where they have the submarine, right?

Girl 1: Have you seen The Hunt for Red October?
Girl 2: Yeah. I've read the book too. That's the one where they shoot dogs right?
Girl 1: No, that's Where the Red Fern Grows.
Girl 1: Ohhh, well they both have "red" in it.
Girl 3 sarcastically : Oh, well obviously then they're the same movie.

-- West End

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay!

Guy in rumpled business suit with a crown of yellow flowers alternating between:
"IIIII AAMMM A HOMOSEXUAAAAAL!!!!!!" and assorted showtunes.

-- Connecticut Avenue near DuPont Circle, even the panhandlers stopped to stare.


Her next gift will be a Jason pencil.

Guy on cell: Dude, you're never going to believe what she sent me. No, not a hallmark card. A friggin mug with my name all over it. You know, one of those kiddie ones that says Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason all over it.

(friend answers)
Guy: Yeah, I'm in CVS trying to figure out how much she paid for it so I can return it.

(friend answers)
Guy: This girl has major relationship issues.

(friend answers)
Guy: Oh yeah, I'll see her again.

-- Courthouse CVS

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Ah that Jeff Probst ...

Guy to girl: "I don't like reality TV. Except maybe Survivor -- that's a show where you really learn something about yourself."


Girl 1: I have, like, so much underwear. I mean, it works out well when I don't do laundry for, like, a month and a half ... I'm good to go!
Girl 2: [Pause] Well, that's good to know.
-Whitlow's on Wilson

Monday, April 24, 2006

Funny, that's the same way I got over my fear of clowns

Kid 1: Yeah, well you're scared of dead birds!
Kid 2: Am not! You're scared of live birds!
Kid 1: Let's go hit them with sticks.
Kid 2: Ok.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Is it even possible they don't have Starbucks where she's from?

Tourist lady: "Yeah, I'll have a grand latte with soy sauce."
-Trying to fit in at a Starbucks in Arlington


Friday, April 21, 2006

Gotta love the crunk

Girl buys wine and liquor at Safeway.
Next girl in line buys beer and mixers at Safeway.

Cashier to second cashier: Everyone is buying crunk juice tonight. I mean everyone who's coming in here is buying crunk juice- all day crunk juice.
Girl with beer: Well it's raining on a Friday night, what do you want us to do?
Cashier: Man, I mean everyone is buying the crunk juice. All damn day crunk juice. What's goin' on?

-- Rosslyn Safeway

Washington DC: A Place to be Some(poor)body

Asian dude to girl: When I lived in Hong Kong, I was very wealthy and upper class. I had two chauffeurs and a chef. I just didn't want to be rich anymore, that's why I chose to move to DC.

-- 18th Street Lounge


Gay pop stars and cherry blossoms

Gay Man 1: It's cold, and it's rainy, and I'm all wet.
Gay Man 2: It's just some rain. Don't be such a prima donna.
Gay Man 1: I'm not pre-Madonna. Pre-Cher, maybe.
Gay Man 2: Dude, pre-Cher is like, 1845.

-- Cherry Blossom parade

Tyrone Biggums is alive and well - and living in DC

Pharmacist to CHW (Crazy Homeless Woman): You don't have a prescription. I can't just give you what you want.
CHW: But it was called in.
Pharmacist: No, it wasn't.
CHW: Just because you weren't here doesn't mean it wasn't called in. Don't psychoanalyze me! Now gimme my drugs! GIMME MY DRUGS!

- A CVS Downtown

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Sexual harassment at its best

Girl: I don't have to do what you say. You're not my boss.
Guy: Only in bed.
Guy: Now have sex with me.
-On a semi-crowded street in Arlington

I was going to go to work and then I got high... ooohhhh oooohhhh

High teenage girl 1: I can't believe you're not getting high anymore.
High teenage girl 2: No man, I'm just not hitting the smack when I go to work.
HTG1: Oh alright, that's better.
HTG2: Yeah and tomorrow is totally going to be a sober day.
HTG1: Yeah, we'll just get wasted.

-- Orange Line at Foggy Bottom

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Can I get a library card there?

Tourist mom in fanny pack and baseball cap to son: Look over there! That's The Library of the United States!

-- Pointing to the US Supreme Court.


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Don't let this guy loose in the pound.

Metro train operator: "Just remember, one person's stray is another person's suspicious package."
-Orange line train, approaching Rosslyn

Monday, April 17, 2006

She must be a PR flack for Hallmark...

Girl on cellphone: "See, that's the difference between Easter and Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is a REAL holiday. People have been celebrating Valentine's for thousands of years. Who? The Europeans, I guess."

As long as he would've stood on the right...

“Damn it, I wanted to stand today.”

-Man on cell phone at Dupont Circle escalator (they were broken).


Department of Homeland, er Hawaiian, Security

Gate attendant: "Due to new security regulations, if you are an international passenger, we will need to see your passport when you board the plane. No, Hawaii doesn't count."
-Reagan National Airport

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Next stop: Troy

Boy #1: . . .bad ass sneakers.
Boy #2: No, man. No. You seen those sneakers D'Andre got?
Boy #1: No.
Boy #2: Those bad ass sneakers, man. Bad ass sneakers. Lead toes, lead heels, lead ankles...
Boy #1: N***a, what the fuck you talkin' about? Lead ankles? Why the fuck you think a n***a need lead plated ankles? N***a fuckin' Achilles or somethin?
-Two boys (maybe 12-15) getting on the Branch Ave. Green Line train at Prince George's Plaza.

Maybe he likes red cookies?

Airport worker to another airport worker: "What? You don't like cookies? Are you a communist or something?"
-Reagan National Airport

Please curb your child.

Parent yelling at toddler (in sweet sing-songy voice): "Miiiiiiiichael. Miiiiiiiichael. Sweetie, come here. You can't pee-pee there. It's not our house. Our house is here."
- on the sidewalk at 11th and Independence, SE.

New York is neither New nor York. Discuss.

Girl: "Not convinced. You'll have to do better than that. We have Broadway, American Ballet Theater, and New York City ballet."
Guy: "Museums, the most powerful government on the planet, gorgeous memorials, cleaner subways that show up on time and tell you when they are coming....panda bears."
Girl: "Oh, and the Statue of Liberty, and of course Ground Zero."
Guy: "Cherry blossoms, the JFK Center for Performing Arts...The Mall. I win."

--debate as to which city is better, New York or DC at the Jefferson Memorial

Friday, April 14, 2006

Just a spoonful of sugar

Girl 1: "I felt like Mary Poppins today on the metro."
Girl 2: "Why?"
Girl 1: "Well, I had my umbrella with the duck on the handle, and I just felt like I wanted to start talking to my duck ... you know, 'I know the weather's not very good today, ducky, if you were a magic umbrella, we could fly off.' ... um, I just took that too far, didn't I?"
Girl 2: "Uhhh...yeah."
-Dupont Circle



Girl on cell phone: "They've got everything at Costco; they've gotta have duck food at Costco."
(pause for response)
"How could they not have duck food at Costco!?"
-21st and F

Thursday, April 13, 2006

It Don't Matter if You're Black or White

White guy: I faced a lot of diversity growing up.
White girl: What?
White guy: Yeah, I really did, I faced a lot of diversity in my life.
White girl: Do you mean adversity?
White guy: Hmm, yeah.

-- Georgetown


Do they teach math at Georgetown?

Guy to friend: Can you believe what that guy said to us? I mean, there's four of us! We could throw him off the Key Bridge!
(Note: There were only two of them)
-Key Bridge


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Looks like you had a good spring break

Girl 1: Palm trees are not phallic, what are you talking about?
Girl 2: Palm trees are like ejaculating penises. they've got the sturdy trunk and the palms look like they are bursting forth from the trunk....
Girl 1: Uhh, yeah...

-- West end

Good thing you know your colors

High school tourist girl 1 (pointing to random office building): "So, is that the White House?"
High school tourist girl 2: "No."
Girl 1: "Are you sure?"
Girl 2: "Well, duh, if it's called the White House, don't you think it would be white?"
-17th and E


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

And pick up Polydent while you're there...

Guy 1: Damn, I forgot to pick up Advil at the store.
Guy 2: Do you want to go back and get it?
Guy 1: It'd be funny to see that ugly old ass woman you were hitting on again.
Guy 2: Not tonight...I gotta keep it fresh.
Guy 1: She's not gonna take you out homeboy...she's really not.
Guy 2: Whatever yo, we shall see--if I worked on it long enough. I don't want it tomorrow. I want her to shave first...and get some dentures.
--Mass ave. and 49th St.

Make that a double.

Girl 1: So I went into Starbucks today, and there was all this Viagra.
Girl 2 confused: What?!
Girl 1: Yeah, it was just sitting there, tons of samples in one of those old lady shopping carts.
Girl 2 now incredulous: You've got to be shitting me?! **starts to laugh**
Guy walks up: Which Starbucks was this again?

-- Washington Circle


Deep and meaningful spiritual questions

Guy 1: Who would have sex with a one-legged man?
Guy 2: Yeah, and he's a Jehovah's witness.
Guy 1: How do you go door to door Jehovah's witnessing with only one leg?


Ch-ch-ch-Chip n' Dale when there's danger

Girl : You know Steve, I really value our friendship. It's like the greatest thing ever.
Guy (Steve) : Have you ever seen Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers?
Girl: Excuse me?

-- Farragut North Metro

Monday, April 10, 2006

So you're a glass half-full kind of guy, then?

Businessman 1: "Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. Oh what a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way."
Businessman 2: "You know you'll probably get run over by a taxi on the way back to the office now."
--Juan Valdez coffee on the corner of 19th and F, NW.

He's got game (and he's a liar)

Guy to girl: “I didn’t buy you this drink to get in your pants. I bought you this drink because I’m new to the city, and I need to meet people.”
-Toledo Lounge, Adams Morgan


Someone's a little preoccupied

Guy to friends after getting off phone: She said she'll be here in 10 minutes. She's got a dick in her right now. (realizing what he just said) I must have misheard that.
-Pentagon City Mall

Friday, April 07, 2006

Did you go to Notre Dame?

Continuation of previous post...
Group of Hashers are still on the train and decide to greet everyone who enters at each stop.

Drunk guy 1: Hello, welcome to the Metro, enjoy your ride!
Incoming passenger: (just looks uncomfortable)
Drunk guy 2: Don't mind him, he's a virgin.

Metro acrobatics

Scene: Orange line metro near L'Enfant at 11:30 a group of Hashers enters the train.

Drunk Girl 1: Never have I ever puked on the Metro!
Crowd of hashers cheers: Drink, drink drink!
Girl 1: Never Have I ever made out on the Metro!
Crowd: Drink!
Girl 1: Never have I ever hit on someone on the Metro!
Crowd: Drink
Girl 1: Never have I ever hung upside down on the Metro.
Crowd: Hmmmm, errr...
Drunk Girl 2: I can do it, let me try. (Guys give her a boost, she hangs upsidedown on the moving train for 2 minutes)
Drunk Guy: I can do it too! (No one gives him a boost, he tries repeatedly, almost gets stuck)
Drunk Guy 2: I will pee my pants tomorrow morning if I get on the metro and you're still there. There will literally be a wet stain on my suit tomorrow if you're still there.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Blame Canada

Bank customer to a teller: Those new $10 bills are weird, huh? I half expected to see a maple leaf on them...It's like 'did we lose a war with those northern bastards or what?'

-- Citibank at Conn and K

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Choosy Dads Choose Jiff

Girl 1: You switched back to chunky peanut butter.
Girl 2: Yeah, but it’s almost out – my dad uses it too.
Girl 1: You should hide it under your bed.
Girl 2: I could never do that to my father!
Guy: She likes her dad.
Girl 2: Well, I wouldn’t say that.

They like us! They really really like us!

Girl 1: OMG my friend showed me the greatest site yesterday. It's Eavesdrop DC. They post stupid stuff people have said all over the city, it's so funny...
Girl 2: Yeah? I'll bet that guy behind us [on the escalator] works for it and is gonna post this conversation when he gets home.

-- Metro Center

Posted by a girl, behind the guy, who in fact doesn't work for Eavesdrop DC.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Eavesdropping in the Eavesdrop DC offices:

Girl 1: So I heard some feedback on the site -- people love it, but they want more ...
Girl 2: Ungrateful bastards. Well, if they want more, they should start spying on more people and emailing us what they hear.
Guy: Seriously - it's tourist season, people! Listen to what the creepy woman in the fanny pack is saying and send it in, otherwise the terrorists win!

Email your droppings to!


So I guess we never got that 49th state huh?

Tourist to a group of tourists: Look, the Philippines, Puerto Rico, Alaska... isn't that neat? They have a different column for every country that was involved in the war.

-- World War II Memorial


Newton's Little-known Law of Physics

"Grossness leads to vomiting. Vomiting is the inevitable end to all grossness."
-West End