Get that guy a record deal

Rosslyn, near the corner of Wilson Blvd outside of a Starbucks:

Homeless man singing at the top of his lungs to the tune of Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" ...

Man: "You knowww that I could use some monneyyyyyyyy!!!"

I can has a home?

Waiting outside kstreet lounge:

Homeless man: Wanna donate to UNCF?
20-something: What's UNCF?
Homeless man: United Negro Cheeseburger Fund!

It depends, how frequently are her prayers answered?

Homeless man: Spare some change?
Tourist woman: I won't give you money, but I'll pray with you.
Homeless man: Ah shit, bitch. Do you really think your prayers will buy me a 40?

-Lafayette Park

Til death do us part

Leaving the office, two coworkers chatting idly, in the background, a homeless man shouts incoherently while rattling the Express newspaper box:

Coworker #1: Awww... I missed this guy. He hasn't been around for a while.
Coworker #2: Have you been listening to what he's saying?
Homeless man: (incoherent.... then, loudly:) ....so that they can learn the Declaration of Independence! To love and to cherish, to have and to hold..... (mumble, mumble)

On Connecticut Ave NW, between K and L

EavesdropDC loves crock pots.

[Female GW student walking through GW campus with her friends and past a crazy homeless man.]

Crazy Homeless man: "Hey there little bunny, I can assist you with your rabbit tonight!"

(Girl ignores comment and keeps walking)

Crazy Homeless man to himself: "Ooh I would LOVE to put her slow cooker."

--GW

Beggars CAN be choosers

Girl walking out of a restaurant with a pizza box in her hand decides to offer it to a homeless guy outside the restaurant:

Girl: Hey, you want the rest of this pizza?
Bum: Hmmm, what toppings you got?
Girl: (mumbles toppings...didn't catch this)
Bum: (long pause) Nah, that's okay.

Persistence is futile

Homeless man on sidewalk in Adams Morgan: You got some change?
Girl: No, sorry, no change.
Homeless man: Well I'll take dollars.
Girl: No, no cash at all.
Homeless man: Well, I'll walk with you to the ATM.

Hobo economics

Broke guy: I'll give you a dollar if you give me two dollars!
(inside the Gallery Place Metro)

Hobos vs Hippies: The Epic Battle

Context: Connecticut Avenue around mid-day. Various Greenpeace fanatics around. One is professing her love of the environment on some yuppie. Another spots her next target: a tall man, long coat, just lit a cigarette.

"Hello! Hi!" says the young Greenpeace campaigner.
"Hey how goes it?" says the gruff tall man.
"Do you love the environment?"
"Yes, I do. I live in it." he says very matter of fact.
"That's great!" she exclaims.
"I'm homeless" he mentions.
"oh," her deflation is almost audible above the bustle of the street.

Then, deflated, the Greenpeace campaigner knows not the protocol for this certain situation and bids the tall gruff man goodbye. Love it.

Polydent might help with that.

Bum to 2 girls walking down the street: "Damn girl you got a fine ass!!! If I had teeth I would bite it!"

--location unknown

A now a special reminder about tomorrow's Help The Homeless Walkathon

Homeless guy in front of the shelter at 13th and K NW ranting:

"I've got two eyes, I ain't no fucking Cyclops!"

How do you respond to this?

Homeless Man to Young Woman: “Girl, I don’t wanna get freaky witchu, but you is FINE!”

-McPherson Square

C'mon - there's got to be more in those shopping carts besides food and crack

"A computer?! If you're homeless, a computer is the least of your worries. There are more important things you would need, like food and crack."
-GMU

Dr. Phil would call this "sketchy"

A man approaches two white girls lying on a blanket in the sun, he looks about 40, little spanish accent, broken english, possibly homeless and says:

Man: "You know black people come here."
Girl 1: "umm what?"
Man: "Black people come to this park."
Girl 1 nudges Girl 2: "Wake up."
Man: "Black people come here. I will watch out for you."
Girl 2: "Umm yeah it's DC. There are black people, and ummm I don't care what kind of people come here."
[Girls start to pack up]
Man: "You coming back tomorrow?"
Girl 1: "No, we are meeting friends."
Man: "There is a store nearby, I can bring food tomorrow. Come back."
Girl 2: "Sorry. I am not up for a racist picnic with a picky homeless man."

-Waterfront, the grass behind thompson's boat house, last Saturday

$5! The price of crack must have gone up.

Homeless man to waitress leaving restaurant: "Miss, can I get $5?"

Waitress: "Five dollars! I don't have five dollars, but you can have my shift meal. It's a burger . . ."

[offers "to go" box]

Homeless guy: "No thanks, I just ate."

--Outside some restaurant in DC

It's a hard knock life, for me - tryin' to get a cold, forty!

Walking on M st Bridge outside of Georgetown. Bum talking excitedly to walking Georgetown shoppers and corporate looking men.

"Spare some change? Oh, come on now! It's National Philanthropy Day! Best part is- it's tax deductible! Isn't that great? I made it up..."

[A note from the eavesdropper: I ran back and gave him $4.37 for being creative]

"You can repel homeless people too, with my new patented spray - Bum-Off."

Girl to guy: Does it ever bother you when homeless people don't ask you for money? Because that happens to me a lot.

-- Georgetown

What's the going rate for weed these days?

A bum/entrepreneur corners another guy in line for a concert.

Bum: "Hey man I only got $2 and tickets are $10. Can you help me out?"
Cornered guy: "Uhhh..... fine, here's $1."
Bum: "You know if you gave me 8, I could get in..."
Cornered guy: "Sorry dude... you're gonna have to get the rest some other way."
*Pause*
Bum: "You wanna buy some weed?"

-- Waiting in line at The Warehouse Next Door

He's a glass half-full kind of guy.

Bum to girl sitting on a bench: "How you doin'?"

Girl: "Ok, how are you?"

Bum: "I'm a homeless drunk, I'm about 50/50."

--Downtown, near Metro Center

It's hard out there for a bum

Scary bum #1 to scary bum #2: "I mean, i just about kicked his ass! I mean, shit, he don't wanna mess with me. I say, it's hard out here for a pimp!"

--Mt. Pleasant