Take the pussy out of the closet!

Co-worker 1: Where's XXXXX?
Intern 1: He had an emergency at his apartment.
Co-worker 1: What happened?
Intern 1: Something about his sink, Drano and locking his cat in the closet.
Co-worker 1: The strangest shit happens to that kid.
--Office at 15th and L

It's okay; EavesdropDC totally makes fun of popped collars too.

Scene: Two guys in line at ATM. A third guy, whom they apparently don't know, is using the machine.

Guy 1: You were so out of control last night!
Guy 2: I know! I was totally drunk, wasn't I? I'm totally still hung over.
Guy 1: You totally had me cracking up.
Guy 2: ... Oh my God, I just remembered. I think I totally called out this one guy for having one of those annoying-ass popped collars!

[Guy at ATM, who is wearing a popped collar, turns around and glares at them.]

Guy 2: Uh, hi. Wow, that's embarrassing. I have completely and totally lost my inside voice right now, haven't I?
Guy 1: Uh, I think so.

-- ATM in 7-11, Logan Circle

The American Revolution was a dream - we are still living as subjects of the queen!

On Penn Ave in Lafayette Park, in front of the White House; 5-10 teen tourists (some walking barefoot) with what appears to be an adult adviser walking down the road past the White House arguing about where they were and what the white building was:

Teen 1: What building is that?
Teen 2: I think its the White House.
Teen 1: No its not, its too small and doesn't look like the pictures!
Teen 3: I think its an embassy or something, there is a fence and guards around it.
Adult: You are right, I think its the British Embassy

Fun with Dick and Ass

Executive: Oh, you should tell them to call that guy... Dick, Dick, Dick something...
Communications: From the meeting in the Spring?
Executive: Yea, Dick... Dickass... What was his name?!
Counsel: I'm pretty sure it wasn't Dickass.

--Farragut West

Can't come in today, came down with a light case of the stroke.

Angry Boss: Jeff called out sick again! I can't believe it.
Worker: Calm down, it's not completely his fault.
Angry Boss: But this is the second time he's called out sick in a week! He's hurting us! He's hurting the company!
Worker: Well, he can't help that he has a heart attack issue.

--Canal Square, Georgetown

Math is not your forte, brah

Brah #1: 8 Bucks for a Fuckin Beer, that's ridiculous
Brah #2: Dude, it's 24 oz
Brah #1: Oh, That's ok then.
(Pause)
Brah #1: Dude, that's great actually, that's like the same size as a 40
Brah #2: Yeah man, I love Old E

--Merriweather at the Manu Chao/Thievery Corp show

And to close out the week, we bring you EavesdropDC's 500th post!

Bartender: No, I'm sorry, You can't run a tab with your driver's license.
Intern, fumbling in wallet, hands the bartender another card.
Bartender: No, this is a gift card, you can't start a tab with that either. If you want to run a tab, I need to hold a credit card.
Intern: Credit card? Ma'am I'm from Oklahoma, I ain't got no credit cards!

Oh Kate, she's such a dork fucker.

20-something Guy: Why do you have a Burger King crown?
20-something Girl: I asked one of the interns if he wanted anything from BK and he said a hat, so I got him a crown. I'm planning on making him wear it all day.
Guy: Which intern is it for?
Girl: Oh, I don't know any of their names. He's one of the dorky ones, you know, the one Kate wants to fuck.

I'm vegetarian except for swedish meatballs

Girl: I was going to invite my roommate to go to IKEA with me, but then she just up and left the apartment.
Guy: She's kind of a hippie - she probably went to protest something. Like maybe low priced but stylish Scandinavian furniture.
Girl: (pretending to be a protester) Why must it always come flat!!!!

We get it dude, you're attracted to him

Guy: I'd murder someone for that guy's torso.

--Foggy Bottom

You hide mace in your umbrella too?!?!?!?!

Man showing off his new Mary Poppins umbrella complete with parrot-head handle:
"And its great for protection when you're walking around at night too."

- Amtrak train into DC

Now she's definitely not getting a hippopotamus for Christmas

Pointing at the hippopotamus at the National Zoo:

Mother to young daughter: "Look! It's almost as big as Grandma! (A few minutes later) Next time you see Grandma, tell her we saw her sister."

I hear Pop Rocks and soda cures cancer

Late 20's Frat Star #1: "Yeah dude, I really need to get my stuff together. I've already graduated college and I still live like I'm in college"

Late 20's Frat Star #2: "Yeah, don't mess around and end up like Jon, he's about to have a second kid. Both of them were mistakes"

L20'sFS#1: "Yeah, I always make the girls I have sex with stand on their heads after. I'm so glad that urban legend is true"

L20'sFS#2: "Ha-ha, yeah I always make the girls I hook up with do post-coital jumping jacks"

D6 Metro Bus

In all reality he probably works for Juan Valdez

From the South American Stereotypes Society:

This was heard on the metro on Saturday. It was two intern-looking guys:

Guy 1: So where are you working?
Guy 2: [Something about Colombia]
Guy 1: Oh, cool. So that's for like the Colombian government, right? So you're like exporting cocaine? (laughs)
Guy 2: (completely serious) No.
Guy 1: Well, do they have anything else.. besides cocaine?
Guy 2: (still completely serious and now slightly patronizing) Yeah, like flowers and stuff.

Imagine there's no Bono...

Guy: (talking about the new John Lennon/Save Darfur benefit CD): It's got a lot of great artists on it - Jack Johnson, R.E.M., U2.
Girl: It couldn't be a benefit CD without U2. I think that's a rule or something.

--Dunkin Donuts on Lee Highway in Arlington

The South just feels like another country

Girl Tourist: Why is this place called Arlington National Cemetery?
Park Ranger: Well, it's located in Arlington, Virginia.
Girl Tourist: Wait, we're not in Washington, DC anymore?
Park Ranger: No, ma'am
Girl Tourist (panics): How did we get to Virginia? We didn't show anyone our passports!

There's nothing quite like watching a midget Batman overpower a dwarf Stormtrooper.

Business Man to Co-worker: "I always enjoy going to Comic-Con because of the midgets in costumes."

--Dulles Airport

The Miracle Worker - as Directed by Eli Roth

30-something suite to a friend around K & Conn at lunch hour.

"Think about how fucked Helen Keller would have been if she got her
hands chopped off."

No, no, that's not Schindler's List, moron.

Holocaust Museum; 40-somthing male tourist questions his friend as they watch footage
of the liberation of emaciated survivors at Auschwitz:

"Are those actors in the film or is that real footage?"

Baby nursery or plant nursery? Is this some sort of pot joke we don't understand?

"So I totally robbed the nursery before I moved in. Now I'm all decked out."

--GW Dorm

Apparently, these chicks don't realize Spiderman 3 is playing in IMAX at that Air and Space Museum.

Girl 1: Let’s go to the Dutch Galleries!
Girl 2: I don’t think so
Girl 1: How about the Italian Galleries?!
Girl 2: No.
Girl 1: Let’s go to the Sculpture Garden!
Girl 2: I don’t want to.
Girl 1: Whatever, it’s all better than the Air & Space Museum.

-National Mall, walking by the National Gallery

These people will be really disappointed when they find out the plural of asparagus is asparagus.

Woman (pointing to photo): "Look at all those asparagi!"

Man: "Did you just say asparagi?"
Woman: "Yeah, there's more than one in the picture. What should I have said? Asparagus stalks? That's no fun."
Man: "Wouldn't it be asparaguses?"
Woman: "Asparaguses? No, I like asparagi..."
Man: "Asparaguses is better."
Woman: "Asparagi, asparagi, asparagi..."

-- Eastern Market

Does Laura know?

In front of White House:

Woman to 4-year old daughter: "And do you know who lives in this house?"

Little girl: "Daddy!"

Is this man a better parent than Britney Spears? You decide.

Woman: "You don't even have a job!"

Man, with a baby in a stroller: "I sell drugs."

Woman: "That's not a job."

Man: "It is on the street."

--on the metro, red line near Fort Totten:

But would you vote for "Pokey?"

Guy on phone: "I don't vote for people who put their name in quotation marks on the ballot."

[pauses]

"Well, yeah, if it was "Killer," then I'd definitely vote for him.

--M Street

But Ben Franklin was the smartest president ever.

At least according to our face-on-currency to presidential superiority conversion rate this week:

Discussion over whether to wear a suit or tux in an upcoming wedding.

Guy: 50 bucks says you won't be able to tell the difference between my suit and tux.
Girl: (sarcastically) Wow- you have a $50 dollar bill that talks?! Cool - good for you.
Guy: Yep and it's telling me that I'm wearing a suit. Grant knows his shit.

--Arlington

News Flash: Mount Rushmore isn't on the Mall either.

Tourist: "Excuse me, can you tell me where the Liberty Bell is?"

National Archives Worker: "Umm...Philadelphia."

--National Archives

Any president with a coin that's only worth one cent couldn't have been that great

Field-tripping 8th grade girl #1: "So... what was he famous for again?"
Field-tripping 8th grade girl #2: "I don't know."
Field-tripping 8th grade girl #1: "WAIT.... he's on a coin, right?"

--Lincoln Memorial

And tweed blazers. Don't forget the tweed blazers.

Guy: “Professors are just professional students with beards.”

--Foggy Bottom/GWU

More "pointy monument" humor

Tourist child, pointing at Washington Monument: Look Mommy, it's the White House!
Tourist mom: No sweetie, that's the Lincoln Memorial.

I call mine "the pointy monument" too!

"He gave me two pictures - one of the Capitol and one of the pointy monument"

--Chinatown

You should stop describing your porn collection at the game

Drunk guy: ....and he was having sex with the maid on his desk!

RFK Stadium

It wasn't spiritual healing that Marvin Gaye was singing about folks...

Girl: My boss didn't go to his spiritual healer today, and he's in a bad mood already!
Guy: I bet his spiritual healer is just a guy names Frank who he pays a little extra to get the happy ending.
- Ballston Starbucks