It's Friday, so here's a bad joke about the exchange rate.

Old man to another old man: "My thoughts are so good, I feel like I should get a euro for them."

Uhhhh, yeah, me neither.

Drunk guy to his friends: "Have you ever peed your pants at a bar?"

-Pat Troy's, Alexandria

Welcome to Lardistan!

Political Science Professor: Nationalists are groups of people who rally around a common identity, whether it be a language, culture, religion, or maybe even physical identity. They, in turn, strive to create their own nation.

Student: So, like fat people could create their own nation?

Professor: Umm...maybe not.

-GW Political Science Lecture

I feel so safe.

Drunk guy: "I took my mandatory online terrorism training today . . . I totally failed it, dude."

-Bar, Capitol Hill

But are you a promiscuous girl?

Girl, picking at her food: I'm like a bird. But not in a Nelly Furtado way.

--Foggy Bottom

If this was a metro driver, we could make a pun about a tunnel.

Busdriver on S4 busline to his passengers:

"I won't be here tomorrow folks...gotta routine colonoscopy."

I use my axe of +2 ebony felines on you.

(Guy bumps into Nerdy Guy accidentally)
Nerdy Guy [to self, angrily]: Demon summon!

--Black Cat

We have no words.

Student: Ok, don't get me wrong. I mean, don't even go there. I am not ok with the Holocaust. But, they cured gangrene.

-- American University classroom

If you were dating a pirate it would be better. Arrrrr!

Loud woman: "I really like this new guy I'm dating. What could be better than dating a guy who does breast implants for a living?"

--Matchbox, Chinatown

I believe the word you are looking for is "si."

Flight attendant: "Gentlemen, you are seated in an emergency exit row. I'm going to need you to read over this information about your responsibilities in the event of an evacuation. I need a vocal response from each of you that you speak English and you are comfortable with these responsibilities."

White Dude 1: "Yes."

Black Dude 1: "Yes."

White Dude 2: "Yes."

White Dude 3: "Yes."

White Dude 4: "Hola."

Reagan National, on a flight to New Orleans

He should have gotten a grill. Bling!

Sixth Grader 1 (looking at a portrait of the 18th century composer, Haydn): "Were they allowed to smile in those pictures?"

Sixth Grader 2: "No! Their teeth were too jacked up in those days to smile."

Music classroom, Glenn Dale

This is what happens when you smoke all the colors of the wind...

Econ professor: So, what were the new settlers of America afraid of? The British are 3000 miles away, so not them!
Student yells: POCAHONTAS!
Econ professor: Uhhhh not her either.

--heard at University of Maryland, College Park

George Washington will save children, but not the British children.

Drunk Girl 1: "I think George Washington would be so proud of us right now."

Drunk Girl 2: "Yeah he would! We drank so much, and we didn't even throw up. Why wouldn't he be proud?"

--Outside of 7-11 on 19th on GW campus

Have you heard that one about the nun and seatless bike and the orgasm? Me neither.

Blonde girl to her equally blonde friend: "Ohmigod! Like, how do you ride that bike?? It like, doesn't even have a SEAT!!"

-pointing to a bike locked to a bike rack on the GW campus.

Challaaaah!

Man 1: I'm going to Miami this weekend.
Man 2: Oh really? I've never been to Miami.
Man 1: Really.
Man 2: I'm Jewish, and from New York, you'd think I'd have been there.

--Dirksen Senate Office Building

At EavesdropDC, we like to start our day with a little irony

One older gentleman talking to another, watching cops chase down some teenage thugs:

"If they'd just start killing them young heathens, there wouldn't be so much violence around here."

--Adams Morgan

Uncle Sam wants to eat your brains

On a Blue Line train stopped for more than 5 minutes outside of
Arlington Cemetery:

Conductor over very garbled PA: "Attention passeng... *static*....
train ahead .... ... ............ *static* ....... ... ....... ....
wait for ...b..s ....... ....... ...."
Passenger: "'Wait for zombies'? What?!"

Today's recess game is called "Ineffectual Oversight"

Overheard at an elementary school while kids were playing:

10-year-old boy, running over to friends: "Okay, this time I get to be Congress!"

We all must make sacrifices for the greater good

Group of guys waiting for last metro at metro center.

Guy: Is this train ever going to come? I'm sorry Dave, we're going to have to sacrifice you to the metro gods. (pretends to push friend onto the tracks)

damn dirty hippies

Girl 1: "Wait, so what exactly is patchouli?"

Girl 2: "It's like perfume for dirty people."

--Dr. Dremo's, Courthouse

Yeah, Bush actually went to Loompaland and brought back hundreds of Oompa-Loompas.

Asian Dude #1: So, how many people work in the White House? 10?
Asian Dude #2: Way more than that.
Asian Dude #1: 100?
Asian Dude #2: Probably at least.
Asian Dude #1: I wasn't counting the slaves.
Asian Dude #2: Uh-huh.
Asian Dude #1: It looks like a plantation. I know they've got slaves in there.

--Lafayette Park, lunchtime

This is retarded. Part 2.

After just getting on a blue line train:

Girl: "Wait, I thought we just got OFF the orange line?"
Guy: "We did."
Girl: "Then why are the seats orange?"

--Blue line metro

Eavesdrop DC is on Team Pirate

Watching War; after Jet Li kills a ninja:

Movie Goer: "Bitch had it coming. Ninjas don’t run!"

--Regal Cinema, Chinatown

My parents are so, like, getting their money's worth.

Two college students (apparently on a budget) looking for packets of jell-o.

Girl 1: "Hey! These are cheap--they're, like, ninety-nine cents each!"
Girl 2: "No, wait, these here are two for a dollar ninety-eight!"
Girl 1: "Score! (high-fives the other girl) We are soooo good at this saving money thing."

--Giant, Wisconsin Ave.

She's a regular straight talker, shoot from the hip kind of gal...

Guy: Look, sometimes you say controversial stuff, stuff that others don't want to hear.
Girl: What? [xxx] is fat! That's not controversial!

-Potomac Yards Target