Super duper size me- QUICK!

6.28.06, sitting at gate B20 in the DFW airport, awaiting a flight back to BWI:

Fat, middle-aged male-half of the tourist couple (FMAM-H): "Maybe we better eat--what time we get in tonight?"
Fat, middle-aged female-half of the tourist couple (FMAF-H): "We don't get there 'til 6:00. Yah, we better eat."
(FMAM-H): "Yup, we better eat, I guess."
(FMAF-H): "yah, ok." "Couple 'o cheeseburgers, fries and a coke?"
(FMAM-H): "Whut?"
(FMAF-H): "Couple 'o cheeseburgers, fries and a coke?"
(FMAM-H): "Yah, ok."

[He gives her some $$$ and she rumbles off, returning shortly with several overstuffed bags from the airport McDonald's. They settle in to their feast and are quiet for 30 seconds or so while, sucking down french fries]

(FMAF-H) & (FMAM-H): [Embarrassingly loud grunts of pleasure come from both as they continue to slurp and suck]

(FMAF-H): "God. Finally--REAL food! None o' that trail mix, granola stuff. That's all they had at their house!"
(FMAM-H): "Yah, I hate that stuff. Can't eat it. I was starvin'!"
(FMAF-H): "Yah, me too! Never could eat that trail mix stuff. "

(FMAF-H) & (FMAM-H): [continued slurps of contentment are heard as they each ponder the bliss of access, once again, to real food."]

So a Mexican, a Chinese Person, and an Indian Person walk into the House Office Building...

Congress member 1: "So are you with us on the H1, bill?"

Congress member 2: "Sure if you say it's good you know I'm with you. So, we are cuttin' back on these foreign workers…"

CM1: "No, no we're providing for more high-tech workers to help out all our companies."

CM2: "Bringing in more?"

CM1: "Not Mexicans, mostly Chinese and Indians."

CM2: "What are we doing to make sure they go back?"

CM1: "The visas only last three years, don't worry about that."

CM2: "Well, you know I support my former Chariman, we'll take a look at it."

--Hallway of Longworth House Office Building

You rob that cradle girl!

Drunk girl: OH my god, there were like so many cute guys there! That one guy talking to you in the green shirt? Grrr... I would totally hook up with him! Though he did graduate high school the same year I graduated college. That's kinda weird.

-- Clarendon Ballroom

Some special sauce and he's golden.

Bum to 2 girls: "Take me home ladies and make a sandwich out of me. Come back, no don't laugh ladies, keep up the good work."

-- 17th and Connecticut

Ahh, the busy lives of your neighborhood bum.

Bum: Hey my man, can you do me a favor?
Guy: What?
Bum: You see my wife over there? (Points to a woman who's not with him). She's obviously pregnant (she wasn't really pregnant). If I give you my drivers license (takes out drivers license) will you watch her for a little bit while I go do some stuff?
**Guy hurries away.**

-- Dupont Circle

Waxing under the influence.

Woman to cashier: Can I ask you something? Do my eyebrows look ok? I just got them waxed and I think the guy doing it was high and I'm not sure what to do about it.

-- Potbelly's at Connecticut and Q

You sure look disenfranchised

Man stuck on DC metro during Monday's flood: This sucks. I'm gonna fight the man! Fight the power! With my, uh, blackberry.
--Between Rosslyn and Foggy Bottom

Beer goggles worked for her.

Girl to friends: He already slept in my bed, I guess I should see him sober now."

-- The Brickskeller

Smurf me? No, smurf you!

Obnoxious guy to morning commuters while trapped on a Orange line train: Anybody want to start a sing-a-long? I'm sure there's a song everyone knows. "Camptown Races?" "Oh Susanna?" The theme to the Smurfs?
Commuter: How about the national anthem?
Obnoxious guy: Please. No one knows that one. (Proceeds to sing the smurf theme)

--somewhere around Rosslyn

Don't be building-ist.

Kid: What is that?
Adult: Well it's big and it's white. It's probably the White House.
Kid: Don't be racist.

-- The Supreme Court

Oh say can you see?

Woman tourist: Did you know that you can see the Statue of Liberty from the top of the Washington Monument?
DC Resident/Tourist's friend: I don't think so. The Statue of Liberty is in New York City and that's more than 250 miles away.
WT: No, you can see it from up here, really.
DCR/TF: Maybe you're thinking of the Statue of Freedom on top of the Capitol?
WT: No, it was the Statue of Liberty and it was by the White House. Besides, I read it in my son's textbook that you can see it from the top of the Washington Monument.
DC R/TF: Okay...

-- Washington Monument

Yes, we call out our friends.

Hans: I think I'm going to expand from Asians and Mexicans to Nubian princesses as well.

-- 7-11

The purple desolation of the former Soviet bloc...

Guy: Looks like we're in for some violent weather today.
Gal (in Eastern European accent): Yes, I look forward to this violet weather.
Guy: No, violent. What country did you say you were from again?

LOL, ROFL, and other dorky acronyms.

Girl to Guy: Please don't talk to me, I'm catching up on my internet life. No really, you're talking to me. Stop.

--West End

Like a burrito?

Girl: Awww, I want to be spunky and darn tasty...

-- Foggy Bottom Metro

Waxing sportsmanlike

Guy: So I've been giving some thought to waxing my ass.
Girl: So, how about them Jets?
Guy: Uh... I think you're totally in the wrong season.
Girl: Doesn't really matter for present purposes now does it? So -- Jets?

-- Pentagon City

So that explains all Hill staffers

Guy: DC is a place for people who didn’t want to leave college but knew they needed to make some money somehow.

-- 3rd and Mass, poolside.

Cute and hung ... what a "package"!

Guy: So he was cute.
Girl: I thought you didn't like him.
Guy: I didn't say that.
Girl: You didn't like his hair. You didn't like his teeth. You said he looked 12. And he reminds you too much of your ex.
Guy: Well, okay. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to see him naked.
Girl: [pause]
Guy: Besides, he looks like he's hung like a horse.
Girl: [pause]

--Linens & Things, Pentagon City

Can't wait to hear what the fun way is . . .

One businessman to another: "The boring way is to be nice to their face then knife them in the back."

--Rosslyn

Little did you know all of DC has a bladder problem.

Two tourist families enter metro car, 4 children, all under the age of 5 run wild.

Tourist Moms and Tourist Dad, scream at kids: "Get up off the floor and sit in your seat!"
Oldest boy: "Why, we like it on the floor!?"
Tourist Dad: "Because people pee on the floor, get up!"
Oldest boy: "OH, people pee on the floor! Can I pee on the floor? I want to pee on the floor!"
Tourist Dad: "No, just get up! Sit in your seat and NOT where people pee."

-Blue line train, direction of Franconia-Springfield

"Only" only counts in banging two chicks and doing two lines of coke.

Guy: "I'm only doing two lines [of cocaine] tonight."

-- 17th and R

We're having a hard time making carjacking and murder funny...

Guy on phone: Yeah, it sucks. Cause he was my friend and now he's dead. They shot him and killed him. What really sucks is they took his car. That was a badass car. I wanted that car.

-- Silver Spring

Oh those gays!

Gay guy 1 (as he picks up a chocolate candy thrown from one of the floats): "Damn! This is with nuts. I am allergic to nuts."

Gay guy 2: "Ironic, isn't it?"

-During the pride parade in Dupont Circle

Little did you know the Treasury has their own PAC.

Tourist woman: "If you notice, the Treasury is right next door to the White House, so you KNOW he's got his hands on the money."

-A group of tourists walking down Pennsylvania, past the Treasury building, toward the White House.

Don't feel bad, we had to google 'rohypnol' too.

Woman walking north on 17th: "If you can't spell it, you shouldn't drink it."

Group of interns walking south on 17th: "Think she can spell 'rohypnol'?"

Employee benefits package- medical, dental... oral?

Girl: I do NOT want to sleep with you.
Guy: What? I haven't read anywhere in the employee handbook that consensual sex between coworkers is prohibited.
Girl: That has nothing to do with the fact that you are a skank; I will not be sleeping with you period.

-- Fitness First Gym at 19th and L

Vote or Die? Nah, Vote When It's Convenient!

Guy: So are you going to go vote today?
Girl: Yeah, of course.
Guy: So do you consider yourself an educated voter? Do you know who you're voting for?
Girl: Oh hellz no, I'm voting down party lines.
Guy: You know it's the primary right? You can only vote for one party.
Girl: Ohhh...

a few minutes later

Guy: So are you voting after work?
Girl: Yeah, well as long as it's on the way to my gym.

-- West End

Don't call Jenny, call GW hospital!

Gay guy: No, really, it's all about not eating. A few years ago I had to have surgery -- yeah, it was really bad -- and it totally knocked me out so for like a month I just wasn't eating. By the end of that month, I am not kidding, I had such killer abs....

-- JRs, Pride Sunday

That's funny - she puts out for everyone else...

Businessman 1: Why are you in such a bad mood?
Businessman 2: Well for starters, you're late. Plus, my own girlfriend won't fuck me, so why do you think?

--Ballston

All DC residents are kleptos.

A group of tourists are standing together discussing which one in the group should take the picture.

Tourist 1: Why don’t we ask someone who walks by to take it so we can all be in it.

Tourist 2: Are you kidding me? They’ll probably steal the camera and run away.

-- 2^nd and Penn, SE

If only Elizabeth Berkley's mom had told her no.

Crying little girl: But mom, this is the only time I'll ever get to stand and hold onto a pole!"

--Orange line, Metro center

Immaculate conception, the K-Fed way.

Guy to guy: Man, if I was a girl I wouldn't want to go within 10 feet of Kevin Federline. He'd totally impregnate you.
Guy 2: Yeah man, that's some potent sperm.

-- The Reef

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Purveyor of Georgetown commerce or Governor?

Tourist man to friend: "You know that scene in True Lies where he is in the mall? This is the mall."
-M Street & Wisconsin, The Shops at Georgetown

Conversations that could only happen on the DC metro

Democratic guy to other guy: "You know, voting for Bush. That's something I could get over. Even working for Bush, I can understand that. But OUTSOURCING! That crosses the line."

--Orange line at Rosslyn

I've got a better offer -- I'll give you 100 camels!

Crazy Guy on the street to young girl's father: "I will give you one million dollars for the girl."
Father: "I might be interested if I really thought he had it."

--The Hill

Even if bleaching pandas resulted in a cure for AIDS, we'd be against it

Twentysomething girl 1: You're right, they really should bleach the white part of the panda bears. They're really dirty.
Twentysomething girl 2: They definitely should- for the tourists.

-- The National Zoo


Eavesdropping in the Eavesdrop offices

Office worker 1 (a chick): We should make the subject line have something to do with girls bleaching their lips.
Office worker 2 (a dude): Girls bleach their lips?
Office worker 1: Yeah their moustaches.
Office worker 2: Ohhhhhh. I was thinking, why would anyone want to kiss someone with white lips?
Office worker 1: ***cracking up***
Office worker 2: You did not just go there.

-- Eavesdrop DC top secret Headquarters

Hey for our next date, let's meet at the cheese counter in Whole Foods.

Guy (annoyed) to his girlfriend: Why the hell did we bother paying for
lunch when we could have just come outside and eaten all these little
samples for free?

-- Eastern Market

An Arab, a Jew, and your mom walk into a bar...

Lady with a Jersey accent: Well first it was owned by these two men, but they sold it to these two Arab guys. They didn't do very well because no Jew is going to eat in an Arab deli.

-- K's New York Deli (formerly Krupin's)

Asshole translates in to any language

Pompous, yuppy, 20-something guy to hispanic waiter: "Bottom's up!"
[pause as waiter admires what an ass this guy is]
Guy: "You know, that's an expression?! Like the bottom of your glass? I didn't mean anything suggestive by it!"
Waiter, in perfect English: "I know." [walks away]
-Chevys Fresh Mex

And that's why they killed her off on The O.C.

"That Marissa, man. She has sex like, bam bam bam BAM! I'm talkin' butt against the wall, butt against the wall!"
-guy to guy, Ballston mall

Maybe next time he should visit www.metroopensdoors.com before planning his route

Train operator: Next stop Ft. Totten transfer point to the red line.. CORRECTION: I mean the green line. Whew, it's a good thing this train knows where it's going. Thanks for ridin' and we'll see you all again next time.
--Red line to Glenmont

They're awfully handsy

"You know what I hate? Those kids that go to Gallaudet. They don't talk."

--crazy guy near Eastern Market Metro...

Those Georgetowners - they'll cut you...

Guy 1: Alright, have fun job hunting. Do you have your cell?
Guy 2: Crap, no. I’m going to have to ask some dangerous DC person for directions back to the Metro.
Guy 1: Uh, alright. Enjoy Georgetown.
-- Foggy Bottom Metro