Well endowed art

"Wow, that's a lot of penis"

--Artomatic, Crystal City

WMATA job opening: basic math skills not required

Metro Conductor: "Please do not crowd the doors. SERIOUSLY, this train has 8 cars, please use all... um..... twenty-ssss... uh... twenty-tttt... well, all the doors. Shut up."

-Red line, Gallery Place/Chinatown

Distinguishing palette you got there, buddy

Guy yelling on phone: You paid $60 for takeout?? Why don't I just pay your mama $50 to watch the kids and we'll go out to McDonald's!

-Metro, yellow line.

Dr. Phil would call this "sketchy"

A man approaches two white girls lying on a blanket in the sun, he looks about 40, little spanish accent, broken english, possibly homeless and says:

Man: "You know black people come here."
Girl 1: "umm what?"
Man: "Black people come to this park."
Girl 1 nudges Girl 2: "Wake up."
Man: "Black people come here. I will watch out for you."
Girl 2: "Umm yeah it's DC. There are black people, and ummm I don't care what kind of people come here."
[Girls start to pack up]
Man: "You coming back tomorrow?"
Girl 1: "No, we are meeting friends."
Man: "There is a store nearby, I can bring food tomorrow. Come back."
Girl 2: "Sorry. I am not up for a racist picnic with a picky homeless man."

-Waterfront, the grass behind thompson's boat house, last Saturday

If only Hallmark made a card that said I heart my Mac . . .

Talking about Administrative Professionals' Day:

Officeworker: "We don't have administrative professionals here... just computers"

-An office on K St.

$5! The price of crack must have gone up.

Homeless man to waitress leaving restaurant: "Miss, can I get $5?"

Waitress: "Five dollars! I don't have five dollars, but you can have my shift meal. It's a burger . . ."

[offers "to go" box]

Homeless guy: "No thanks, I just ate."

--Outside some restaurant in DC

We call this the douchebag trifecta

Three quotes from the same guy at the Big Hunt:

Talking about a former relationship:

"He was the first guy who respected her after I stopped fucking her."

and

"If someone doesn't put a joint in my dead corpse's body if I die young, I'll be really pissed."

and

"She rubbed one out 3 of the 5 days in a week. She had a vibrator and everything. I know because I used it."

And just to be specific - the reverse was invented to run over the kid so he'd never become Batman, right? Got it.

Guy 1: So my friend almost ran over a big family the other day but at the last moment a little boy popped up beside the car and I said 'dude you gotta make sure you get them all, or else that little boy is going to grow up and become Batman and come after you'
Guy 2: That's why they invented reverse, so that Batman won't get you.
Guy 1: They should just call it Batman. I'm just going to put the car in Batman and back into this spot.
Guy 2: Seems perfectly logical to me.

--Foggy Bottom

But at $40 a day, she's certainly affordable

From a friend of the blog:

I was over at my friend’s place on Friday, and we were discussing the various Food Network hot women. Someone mentioned Rachel Ray, and he said, “No way man, Rachel Ray has those nasty little boy titties.”

-Arlington

Sounds like Pez has a new marketing slogan

"I'm really fucking excited! Fucking Pez! It fucking rules! Yeeeeee-aaaaaaahhhh! (or something that sounded kind of like a drunk cowboy)

-Virginia Square metro

Obviously, No Child Left Behind is a huge success.

Two girls in a huge crowd of tourist high school kids-

Girl 1: "Oh look! There's the Capitol building!"
Girl 2: "Are you sure?"

Girl 1: "uh yeah, why?"

Girl 2: "I thought thats what it looked like, but I was too embarrassed to ask."

--Union Station

Who needs alcohol when you have coke?

Guy 1: "God, I'm so drunk."
Guy 2: "Haven't you been drinking Diet Coke all night?"
Guy 1: "Well yeah, but still...."

-- Near the 17th Street strip of bars

Well, they are all white.

Tourist: “Is that the White House?”

--Repeated question in front of the Lincoln Memorial, then again at the Jefferson Memorial, then once more at the Capitol building, then finally at the Washington Monument

[EavesdropDC note: This was originally submitted as a comment, but it's too good not to post as an official eavesdropping.]

Apparently, they are extending the Blue line to Delaware . . .

Teenage-boy tourist on the Metro at Foggy Bottom: “They just said this is the last stop in Washington, DC.”

Mother: “Yes, and then we will be in America’s first state.”

--Metro in the direction of Franconia-Springfield

It's our favorite time of year . . . tourist season! Send us more of your best tourist eavesdroppings!

Teenage-girl tourist to mother: "Where is the Washington Memorial?"

--The Mall, twenty feet from the Washington Monument

I bet her engagement ring is a Ring Pop.

Chic on cell phone: "Hi!! How do you feel about getting married in a parking lot?"

Let's go to RateMyProfessor.com and guess which prof this is!!

Professor: "I love talking about this stuff. I could go on forever. And I'm tenured, so if you have a problem with that you'll just have to deal"

--GW

And what time is sunrise again? I just don't want to miss it.

Girl #1: "I just want to tell her, just because you think the sun rises and sets in her vagina, doesn't mean we all have to."

Girl #2: "Seriously."

--Potbelly's at 17th and L St NW

Imagine what she does at a Barbara Streisand concert

40-something year old woman at the Josh Groban concert: "We’re TOTALLY going to molest him when he passes by us!"

Can’t get enough of your love, metro

Metrorail conductor with sensual Barry White-esque voice pulls his blue line train into Pentagon: "Pentagon."

Metrorail employee standing on platform: "Hey, you're sounding good."

Conductor: "Thanks, man. Keep it light."

--Pentagon Metro station

New state slogan?

Girl on cell: "If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas."

--M St., Georgetown

Spongebob toys are the opium of the masses

Woman is discussing how her kid's favorite word is "mine."
Guy: See? People ARE naturally capitalists
Woman: Yeah, I've never met a communist child.

--Foggy Bottom

When you just can't wait to get back to your crack house

Two businessmen are walking down the street in Georgetown and see a group of three teenagers out front of a CVS carefully measuring cough syrup into a plastic cup.

Businessman: Uh, are they making meth on the street now?

And this is a problem, why?

Girl: "Really? Come home for Christmas with you?" (truly excited)

Guy: "Yeah, I mean, my parents would love to meet you!"

Girl: "But I'm engaged!"

--Banana Cafe

It's a hard knock life, for me - tryin' to get a cold, forty!

Walking on M st Bridge outside of Georgetown. Bum talking excitedly to walking Georgetown shoppers and corporate looking men.

"Spare some change? Oh, come on now! It's National Philanthropy Day! Best part is- it's tax deductible! Isn't that great? I made it up..."

[A note from the eavesdropper: I ran back and gave him $4.37 for being creative]

Wasn't that already a movie called The Tuxedo?

Asian guy talking about how he looks in a suit:

"If James Bond were Asian, two thumbs up right here."

-23rd Street

But the grass would be so whiny!

Guy to Woman friend in line at Murky Coffee in Clarendon: The floor here is so chic. They must have been like, how can we make this floor look chic? Let's strip off all of the tile. It's so emo. Hey, you know what I want? Emo grass. That stuff cuts itself.

It's scary because Dan Brown says so.

Girl: Why do they have an ambassador to Vatican City?
Guy: Because it's a country and stuff.[pause]
Girl: Do like, normal people live there?
Guy: I don't know...[pause]
Girl, thoughfully: It's a scary place...
-AU shuttle bus

Caution: Flash photography may startle a Metro train.

Conductor: (wearily) Customers, please be advised - when a train is pulling into the station, DO NOT take pictures of it with a flash camera. Thank you for riding Metrorail.

-- Red line, Metro Center

A long time ago, we used to paint cans

Context: a group of high schoolers were in the Smithsonian Hirshhorn
museum to sketch pieces for art class

Girl 1: Where's that stuff by, what's his name...Andy Warhol, or something
Girl 2: Haha, nooo...you're totally just thinking of that band "Dandy
Warhols"
Girl 3: Oh yeah

And this large, pointy thing is where Washington conceived his firstborn

Tourist woman with her children, pointing at the Lincoln Memorial: And that's where Lincoln was shot. By John Wilkes Booth.

Hey! Have you heard of this asshole Al Gore?

That's not so much the title as the actual eavesdrop (coming from the mouth a LaRouche supporter). I'm sure there are plenty more LaRouche quotes out there - so send 'em in!

--Foggy Bottom

Learn your gender roles early

Kite Festival at the Tidal Basin:

Mom to daughter: The boy duck is the one with the green head
Dad: And the duck with the coach purse is the girl

Jesus Saves & Creates Hookup Opportunities

Two 20 something women chatting on 21st St & P

Woman 1: I told him I can't date non-Christians. But as soon as he's saved, I'm in there baby!