Don't you mean Constantinople?

[Inside FedEx/Kinko's. Two Turkish dudes are dropping
off a FedEx package, having already filled out the
shipping label. Non-Turkish woman is working behind
the counter.]

Turkish dude: I need to send this package overseas.

Non-Turkish woman: Where is it going?

Turkish dude: Istanbul.

[Non-Turkish woman looks at the label.]

Non-Turkish woman: Can you spell that?

Turkish dude: I-S-T-A-N-B-U-L.

Non-Turkish woman: Is that a city?

-West End

Sounds like that va-jay-jay needs to be baptized

Monday, August 27th at Lauriol Plaza restaurant:

"I know many Catholic girls who have very Pagan vaginas."

You know Obama's dad?

A man introducing his coworker to a friend:

Man [to coworker]: This is _______, he works at the Inter-American Investment Corp. across the street.
Coworker [to man's friend]: So, you are an economist by trade?
Friend: No, goat herder.

Details, shmetails.

Co-worker: Wait, are you trying to mentor someone or are you trying to get a Wii?


-- 2000 Penn

______ runs faster than my car!

It's a '96 Neon, so it isn't too surprising. This just sent in:

I heard this being said last Thursday and couldn't wrap my head around the 60 mph fast woman.

On a red line train at Union Station

Girl 1: I need to exercise.
Girl 2: You should go running with me. I run all the time.
Girl 1: You know ________ can run really fast. She says she can run, like, 10 miles in 10 minutes.
Girl 2: Yeah?

All I ask for are metro tracks with frickin' laser beams attached to them!

Metro PA: "Attention all concerned personnel: 3rd rail power between Grosvenor and Medical Center is about to be restored. Anyone not wishing 3rd rail to be energized: you have 1 minute to alert control."

Nervous passengers look around at each other, but avoid prolonged eye contact.

- Farragut West

Tell me how you really feel.

Girl: Get off your high, high, high horse. You're so high up you can't even see the ground, you bitch.

-- Dupont Circle

There are some things you shouldn't admit, even if they're true.

Ugly chic: "Let's just say, my phone's on vibrate and if it rings, that's the most action I've gotten in a long time."

-Dupont Circle, outside Krispy Kreme.

Hide your pet rabbits, gentlemen.

3 female co-workers standing on the corner waiting for walk signal.

1st woman: So, you think he is?

2nd woman: No, you don't really think he is?

3rd woman: Hell, yes I know he is. He is cheating on his wife and me. I'm gonna cut off his dick and then quit! That'll teach him.

--Corner of 15th and L, NW

Baltimore - new fashion capital of the world

Guy: You know what I'm going to do? I'm bringing back the safari hat. Tomorrow I'm wearing a safari hat to work.
Girl: That's so Baltimore.

-- The Hill

We apologize for mixing our sports metaphors below - one of us is a girl and didn't know better

Scene: Man cuts a woman off to snatch a coveted parking space along a Clarendon street. Woman (looks to be in her mid 60's) stops car and gets out. She goes over to the man and starts tearing him a new one:

Man: Ma'am, it's just a parking space, settle down.
Grandma: Don't tell me to settle down!
Man: Ma'am think about your dignity, think about your self respect!
Grandma: Don't talk to me about fucking self respect you motherfucker!

Just a reminder that football season begins in 11 days

Professor: "I have three children--15, 13, and 7."

Female Student: "Oh, I don't think I could have three."

Male Student: "Yeah, with two you can do person-on-person defense, but with three you need zone."

Professor: "You have a point."

"I'm feeling lucky!"

Guy: "You haven't heard about what happens when you type 'French military victories' into Google?"

Girl: "My Google's stuck on Turkish!"

-Ballston

How do you respond to this?

Homeless Man to Young Woman: “Girl, I don’t wanna get freaky witchu, but you is FINE!”

-McPherson Square

Thought we forgot you said that last night, didn't you?

"I'm the worst lesbian ever"

--Blue Line

No, you aren't smarter than a 5th grader!

Tourist woman: "Are those mountains in the picture the Himalayas?"

--Museum of the American Indians, in the exhibit about tribes in the Andes Mountains in South America

My new favorite band is Pumba and Mulan.

Man, to woman next to him listening to her iPod: "You a fan of the iPod?"

Woman, clearly annoyed: "yes"

Man: "Yeah, me too. So whatcha listening to?"

Woman: "Belle and Sebastian."

Man: "Is that like a collaboration between the "Beauty and the Beast" chick and that crab from "Little Mermaid"?"

--Metro, yellow line at Crystal City

This is retarded.

On a metro train at McPherson Square:

Woman tourist: "But doesn't DC have a subway?"

--Blue line train, McPherson Square, around noon

That's some LSAT-worthy logical reasoning. Please be my lawyer.

While standing near a clearly marked sign that says "Red Panda":

Tourist 1: "Is that a fox, or a monkey?"

Tourist 2: "It's a monkey, it's in a tree!"

--Zoo

Some eavesdrops are so awesome they don't even need a funny subject line.

Girl 1: "So did you enjoy hanging out with ______?"

Girl 2: "Yah we had a great time--smoked some, drank some."

Girl 1: "Sex some?"

Girl 2: "NO! He has size 14 shoes."

Girl 1: "Oh?"

Girl 2: "He would break my vagina."

--Luna Grill, Shirlington

Be sure to remember this life lesson when you're drunk at IHOP tonight.

Girl #1: "This is too much food and I'm really not that hungry. I don't think I'm going to eat the pancakes."
Girl #2: "Seriously? You can't not eat the pancakes. This is IHOP not IHO."

--IHOP, Ballston

The teen years are where you really get your priorities straight.

Teen girl to friends: "If I didn't spend so much money at stores like this (shows price tag to friends), I would have money for weed."

--corner of M and Wisconsin

Doh!

Father of tourist family (holding up fare card to metro employee): "I don't get it. I put enough money on here for the four of us, but when I put the card into the machine, it just spits it back out the top."

--Rosslyn

Wonder what the next d-bag trend will be?

Young suit on cell: "Nooo, remember what they said!? Popped collars are out of style now!!"

--Lafayette Park